Dr. Allan Horowitz, published newspaper article, The Liberal, Copyright April 1, 1987

QUESTION: I have a very troubling problem which I hope you might help me with. I have had low back and leg pain for the last 27 years. It began while I was a combat pilot with the United States Air Force. My plane developed mechanical trouble and I had to bail out while on a reconnaissance mission over the island of Cuba.

My chutes didn’t open until the last moment. I plunged very rapidly into the cold water. I was rescued by a Cuban fishing boat and I spent the next six years in a Cuban prison. I don’t really know when my back problem started, but it could have been when I ejected, when I landed in the water, when the fishermen dragged me (very roughly) along side their boat, or it could have been the six years of hard labour I did while in prison. During this time I was forced to chop rock with a small pick.

The rock pieces were then carried in the backpacks four miles to a factory. We were given one meal a day. We were forced to sleep on a hard dirt floor.

Anyway, I was finally returned to the United States in a prisoner exchange, and I quickly made my way to Canada. I settled in Richmond Hill and have been here ever since. My back and leg pain have been driving me crazy for the past 27 years and I think it is now time to do something to help myself. What do you suggest?

U.S. Air Force Vet, Richmond Hill.

DEAR U.S. AIR FORCE VET:

That is really some story and I certainly have a tremendous respect and sympathy for you. I have some good news and some bad news for you. There is one way to help your pain, but it is difficult and risky.

I believe you are experiencing what has come to be known as ‘J.F.K.’s syndrome.’ It consists of low back pain, leg pain, and stomach upset whenever any Cuban memory is brought up. It is a wartime shock syndrome which was very common in the ’50s and ’60s. Many of those who had the condition eventually committed suicide or had unsuccessful back surgery. However, just last year a doctor in Miami discovered a cure for J.F.K.’s syndrome.

So far 37 people have tried this cure and 36 have been completely freed from their back pain.
You must first fly over Cuba, parachute into the water, be dragged behind a fishing boat, chop rocks with a pick and then spend at least one day sleeping on the dirt inside a Cuban prison.

You must then ‘escape’ back to the freedom of the United States. Your pain comes from the guilt of having been involved in a prisoner exchange.

Once you get through the ordeal and the phony escape your guilt will have been lifted, and your pains should vanish.

One word of warning before you attempt this cure. For the month before you plan to do it, you must not eat any Cuban food, see any Cuban movies, listen to any Cuban music, smoke any Cuban cigars, or watch Miami Vice.

These measures are necessary to rid your body of all Cuban influence before you begin your journey.
I guarantee this plan will work if carried out successfully. However, if it doesn’t then you can just remember that today is April 1.

When it’s not April Fools’ Day, chiropractor Allan Horowitz will answer real questions about a variety of topics including headaches, back pain, and preventive medicine.