Dr. Allan Horowitz, published newspaper article, The Liberal, Copyright April 13, 1988

In my March 9 column I reviewed some of the so-called ‘Murphy’s Laws.’ These are laws of nature which basically follow the principle set out in one of the original laws, ‘The Buttered Side Down Law.’

This law states that if you drop a piece of buttered toast it will always fall with the buttered side down.

The response to that column was very good and so I thought that today I would reprint something I just read in the ‘Ar­thritis News,’ which is the newsletter of the Arthritis Socie­ty of Canada. These are known as the ‘Murphy’s Laws of Ar­thritis’ and I thank the author (Helen Myrmel, who has rheumatoid arthritis) for these laws.

  • ‘Walk’ lights will flip to ‘Don’t Walk’ lights as soon as you step off the curb, as they are ap­parently timed for high school track stars being pursued by a pack of hungry wolves.
  • They build floors much lower than they did before.
  • By the time you get up in church, everyone else will have sat down, and vise versa.
  • You find it takes longer to do the impossible and longer and longer …
  • Wherever you must go must be reached by flights of stairs.
  • Whatever you pick up, you will drop, and even though it’s a perfectly square object it will roll across the room and lodge in an inaccessible far corner.
  • Whenever you fall down, a crowd will gather, thinking how shocking that you are probably tipsy at that time of day.
  • Whatever you need will be at the back of a bottom cupboard or back of a top shelf, no matter how many times you rearrange their contents.
  • When people say, ‘’how are you?’’ they want you to say, ‘’Just fine thank you.’’ They don’t want to hear, ‘’Well, my right hip hurts the worst, and my knees are pretty bad any my neck and between my shoulders are like a toothache, but my back is somewhat better, unless I lift something or move furniture.’’

These laws are to be found in Volume 6, No. 1 issue of the Arthritis News. Because a large number of my readers have arthritis in one form or another, many of them will agree with these ‘laws’ and perhaps think of a few of their own.

If anyone cares to make up their very own ‘laws’ they can name it after themselves if they wish, and send it to me care of The Liberal. I will print it if it is worthy and you will forever be immortalized in the medical literature.

Address your questions to Allan Horowitz, care of The Liberal, Box 390, Richmond Hill, LAC 4Y6.