Dr. Allan Horowitz, published newspaper article, Richmond Hill Liberal, Copyright September 19, 1990

Dear Dr. Horowitz:

            Several years ago, you wrote about the “codes” some doctors use in hospitals so patients wont know what they are talking about. I kept this for a few years, but soon lost it. This fall my friend is beginning her medical training at university and I would like to send this to her. If you could reprint this list I would appreciate it very much. Also it would be great if you could mention the source so I could buy her the entire list.

Thanks very much for your help.

Answer:

            I usually don’t run columns a second time. This policy ensures that you read my column each and every week so you won’t miss anything.

Because I do remember this column as being one of my favorites, I will print a few of the terms, phrases and abbreviations doctors sometimes use among themselves. These come from a book titles “Calling Doctor Horowitz” (William Morrow and Company).

Some of these terms are not in great taste, some are disgusting and some are plain rude. Not all doctors use these and many don’t have any idea what they mean, so don’t slap your doctor and blame him/her for what you will see here.

If you don’t want to be offended, please stop reading at this point and turn to a more polite part of the paper.

Betz Cell Anemia:

Betz cells are in the brain. Anemia is a scarcity of cells. This term, therefore, describes a “dumb” patient.

Chandelier Sign:

            An extremely tender cervix that is felt by the doctor on a pelvic exam. The test is positive if the patient screams and reaches for the chandelier.

Cool:

            A cold patient is one who has died.

Drunksicle:

            An alcoholic, brought in during the winter, who has been frozen stiff.

E.C.U.:

Eternal Care Unit, where patients go after they’re cold.

Fascinoma:

            An extremely interesting case.

Fly Sign:

            An open-mouthed, unconscious patient, who could theoretically “catch flies” with his open mouth.

Gomer Scale:

            You will have to buy the book to have this one explained. (Or maybe you don’t care to know this one.)

Grindleburg’s Trial of Life:

            Named after an intern who, according to a legend, allowed two liters of fluid to accidentally flow through the intravenous line of a cardiac patient, thereby killing the patient. When similar accidents occur and the patient’s cardiovascular system withstands this insult, the patient has passed Grindleburg’s Trial of Life.

Gumbar Disease:

            A fictional disease ascribed to hypochondriac medical students and nurses, usually by cruel residents. The doctor will listen to the students’ symptoms, explain that they are identical to Gumbar Disease and then explain that the prognosis is too terrible to even discuss.

H.B.D.:

Has been drinking.

Horrendioma:

            Refers to a horrible case, usually due to a disfiguring or crippling disease or accident. It can also refer to a usually benign treatment which ends up disfiguring or crippling the patient.

I think that’s enough disgusting terminology for today. I remember that after I first printed this column several years ago I received a tremendous response from readers who were curious as to the meaning of several abbreviations that I did not dare print.

These are words that I would tell a friend without blinking, a patient only if I have known them a long time, my mother if I am standing in the next room and a stranger only if I want to experience a kick in the shin.

The book is called “Calling Doctor Horowitz” and if you really must know what these terms mean you will have to buy the book (or sneak a peak in the bookstore).

To your delight and/or disgust I will print more of these little atrocities next week.