Dr. Allan Horowitz, published newspaper article, Richmond Hill Liberal, Copyright October 03, 1990

In my last column I printed a portion of a glossary which can be found in the back of a book titled “Calling Doctor Horowitz” (William Morrow and Company).

Some of these terms are disgusting and rude, but some are also funny. These terms are sometimes used by doctors when discussing patients, nurses, administrators, other doctors and, yes, probably even chiropractors. As promised, I will continue with these today.

I will advise any readers who might be offended to stop reading at this point and turn on the TV. (Oprah is probably interviewing alcoholic transvestite prostitutes who abandoned their drug-addicted pets and went into the ministry after having hair transplants and nose jobs, through psychic surgery).

M.O.M.:

            Milk of Magnesia, a laxative. This term is used in this common order: M.O.M. in the P.M. if no B.M. in the A.M., P.R.N.. It means to give the patient milk of magnesia in the afternoon if no bowel movement in the morning, as needed.

O.P.T.:

            This is an act for which you can be arrested for in several countries and I therefore will certainly not attempt to explain it here.

Pipe cleaner:

            A urologist.

Porcelain level:

            A non-existent lab test used to evaluate the honesty of a lab technician whose test results are too frequently “normal” instead of reflecting the patient’s actual state of health. A tube of blood is sent to the lab with a request asking for the patient’s serum porcelain level. The technician should send back a note asking “What is a serum porcelain level?” A dishonest technician will make up a level and claim the test was “within normal ranges.”

Rules of tubes:

            A prognostic sign. A patient with five or more tubes sticking out of him, in general, has a worse prognosis than a patient with only one tube.

Scut:

Generally distasteful and time-consuming menial labor mostly performed by medical students and interns. May include breaking up fecal impactions by hand in severely constipated patients.

Shpos:

            You will have to buy the book to get this definition.

Sink Test:

            A test reported as normal, but instead of being done was actually thrown into the sink.

Sinner’s Triad:

            An x-ray finding of an I.U.D., a metal cross hanging from the patient’s neck and no wedding ring.

Three Orange Juice Sign:

            If upon examining the patient three unopened orange juice containers from three untouched breakfasts are found, the patient is probably dead.

Throckmorton’s sign:

            Buy the book if you must know what this means.

Zebra:

            Refers to the suggestion of an obscure disease as the probable cause of a patient’s common symptoms. From “When you hear hoofbeats, don’t look for zebras.”

There you have it, an incomplete list showing how disgusting some human beings can really be. These last two columns have been written to respond to someone who wanted this vital information to give to a friend who was entering medical school. I hope this information reaches her in time for her first exam.