Dr. Allan Horowitz, published newspaper article, Richmond Hill Liberal, Copyright December 20, 1989
Dear readers:
Those of you who are regular readers know that my columns usually deal with questions relating to the human body, in some shape or form. I answer questions readers write to me. I answer commonly asked questions brought to me by my patients. Once in a while I write a column which is on the “light” side.
In the past year I have written 51 columns and, barring any unforeseen circumstances, the 52nd will be next Wednesday. Out of these 51 columns, one was thrown out by Kevin. I never did receive an explanation from him, but I assume it had something to do with the tobacco-chewing cowgirls. That must be the reason.
Around Christmas and Hanukkah every year I can’t bring myself to write informative columns. No one wants to learn at this time of year. Everyone just wants to eat, drink, give and receive presents and stay away from work and/or school.
Last year I wrote a poem. A few years ago I discussed one of the crazier questions I have been asked to answer. Today I will discuss some of the crazier things that go on in a chiropractor’s office.
I imagine that the same, or even weirder things go on in any doctor’s office, but allow me this opportunity to give you a little holiday cheer.
Every one is a true story.
1) A patient once hid under my desk because she was afraid that her husband (whom she was divorcing) would find out that she was seeing me.
He thought she was having an affair and I was somehow involved. Me??? I allowed her to hide because this husband of hers was once convicted of bombing an office building.
2) I was once treating a husband and wife, both for lower back pain. The husband was in one room and told me, very confidentially, that his wife refused to have sex with him because she claimed it hurt her back too much.
Ten minutes later in the wife’s room, she told me that her husband didn’t enjoy sex because of his back pain. Each of them was blaming the other’s pain for their lack of sex.
I got them together in the same room, forced them to talk things over and I presumed everything worked out for the better. Each of them got better real quick and the complaining stopped very quickly also.
3) I treated a man in his seventies for neck pain and shoulder weakness. He told me he fell off a roof while doing some work. That was the cause of only some of his pains.
The rest of his problem came from when he was body checked while playing ice hockey the next day.
4) I treat a very nice lady who is well into her nineties. She has back and neck pain. It is made much worse whenever she jumps up and down after getting a strike in her bowling league.
5) I treat a very nice man who owns his own business. He has a bit of a slow period every Christmas. Every year he would come in around this time of year complaining that he was injured and needed some time off work.
I thought nothing of it until I realized that this was becoming a definite trend.
Every Christmas this man would get “injured,” take off work, collect some disability insurance and go on holidays to Florida. I put an end to this once I caught on.
6) I have a patient who brings her dog everywhere. Yes. Even into my office.
We explained that we do not like pets in the office. She doesn’t seem to listen. Not only that, but this weasley-looking mutt growls at me and snarls if I look at her “master” the wrong way.
Sometimes the things a chiropractor does to a patient are not so nice looking from a dog’s eyes. At these times, the dog begins to yap. I love dogs. I just hate this one.
The patient was down on her stomach and couldn’t see me or her dog. The dog was yapping at me and disturbing the rest of the office.
I leaned over to where this hound was perched and made the most fearsome, ugliest, disgusting face I ever could muster. The dog hid under the table, and I never saw her again.
I asked my patient why she doesn’t bring the dog any more, she replied that the dog didn’t like coming any more and was afraid to come through the front door. She said she thought the dog “thought it was the vet’s office”.
Little does she know.
Merry Christmas. Happy Hunukkah. Happy New Year.