Dr. Allan Horowitz, published newspaper article, The Liberal, Copyright October 28, 1987

DEAR READERS:

Today is treat time. I won’t bore you with complicated medical terminology. I won’t tell you how to avoid back pain when lifting. (You all should know that by now!)

Today I am going to list some ‘medical short forms’ which are codes some doctors and nurses use when they are either in a hurry, or when they don’t want the patient to know what they are saying.

Just so I won’t get into too much trouble with my friends and colleagues I will leave out some of the short forms which might offend some people. These short forms come from a book titled ‘calling Dr. Horowitz.’

(Honestly, that’s what it is called … William Morrow & Company, Inc. N.Y., N.Y.)

Betz cell anemia: Betz cells are in the brain. Anemia means there aren’t enough cells. This term then described a real dummy, whether a patient or another doctor.

Chandelier sign: An extremely tender area of the body shows a positive sign when the doctor presses the area and the patient screams and “reaches for the chandelier.’’

Drunksicle: A chronic alcoholic who has been brought to the hospital in the winter, usually frozen stiff.

Fascinoma: A very interesting case.

Fly Sign: An open-mouthed, usually unconscious patient, who could theoretically catch flies with his open mouth.

Horrendioma: A horrible case.

Johnson’s sign: Named after legendary intern Elliot Johnson. This happens when a patient is being transferred from bed to stretcher and he sud­denly snaps back into bed. It results from failure to detach the rubber catheter that is connected to the pa­tient’s penis.

MHD: Mexican Heart Disease. A bullet wound of the heart. (sometimes also referred to as BHD-Beirut Heart Disease)

MOM IN THE PM IF NO BM IN THE AM, PRN.: Milk of Magnesia (a laxative) in the afternoon if no bowel movement in the morning, as needed.

PIPE CLEANER: Urologist

PORCELAIN LEVEL: A non­existent lab test used to detect an inef­ficient lab technologist who frequenlty reports tests as being in the normal ranges, instead of actually doing the tests and reporting the true results. A tube of blood is sent to the lab with a request for a ‘porcelain test?’ The lazy lab technician will report this test as being “within normal limits.”

RULE OF TUBES: A sign to determine a patient’s prognosis. As a general rule of thumb, a patient with eight tubes sticking out of him has a worse prognosis than one who only has seven.

There are several hundred other short forms medical people use. Most of them are not printable in a paper such as this. Some of my favorites I would only tell my best friends. What are they? Here are my favorites:

  • SHPOS
  • PPP
  • FUBAR

What do they stand for? I’m only telling my best friends.

Allan Horowitz, D.C., is a chiropractor and writes this public ser­vice column.

He will attempt to answer readers’ questions on a variety of topics in­cluding back pain, headaches, nutri­tion, sport injuries and preventive medicine.

Address your questions to Allan Horowitz, care of The Liberal, Box 390. Richmond Hill, L4C4Y6.